Getting through the week

This week obviously hasn't been the easiest. In fact, it's been awful. I cried a lot, slept a little, lost 5lbs (not the way I want to lose weight) and thought about a lot of stuff in my relationship. I have hardly spoken to Josh since the break, which I guess is kind of the point of a break. We are going to talk on Sunday. With the entire week to myself and my own thoughts I've thought about everything.

I am a talker. I like to talk through my problems and find a solution. Not usually with the person I'm in a relationship with but with other people. In relationships I'm terrible at talking for some reason. Something bothers me, I'll bring it up, but I have such a bad memory I can't remember the details about what it is that is  bothering me or another example to use and so I usually just result to silence. Then, my mind begins to  wonder and I forget about what I'm upset about, though I still feel upset.

This week I took to my friends and talked to those who were closest to me (probably the least helpful, though they tried and I appreciate that) and I talked to a few others that I wasn't so close with but they evidently had been through similar situations. They gave me hope that a break is for the best and everything could work out. And I've been left to my own thoughts, which give me no hope. Currently, I'm somewhere in the middle. I want to have hope for our relationship but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up for something that might crush me. For those of you who are Irish, I haven't had the heart to turn my claddagh ring around yet.

I don't need him in order to be happy, but he makes me happier. I don't need him in order to be a good person but he makes me a better person. He is my best friend and the best part of me. If things don't work out I know I'll move on and I'll eventually be happy, at least that's what everyone keeps telling me. The fact of the matter is, we've made it through so much together and become stronger people and the best of friends. Losing him is like loosing a limb. I know now that I was never truly in love with any other person because I've never been so heartbroken, stressed or worried that I could lose the love of my life.

Now, you have to understand. I don't believe at all that he meant to do this intentionally to hurt me. He did it because he has a lot going on in his life and I mean a lot. When you add a girlfriend and a long-term relationship to it, it's a lot of added stress that could be eliminated and I get that. We are at a strange time in our lives where we have entered the job world and school is wrapping up. He interviewed for a job that he has a good shot at getting and that means, maybe living down in Detroit and that is a lot of change (that's just one thing going on).

I know what ever happens will make me stronger in the long run and if it's meant to be it's meant to be, yadda, yadda, yadda. All I know is that if he needs time to figure things out in his own personal life and he is still in love with me then I'll wait until he can sort everything out and we can start again. He is the guy that I want to be with for the rest of my life and I'm not going to give him up easily if I don't have to. Sorry again for the personal rant but that was what I had originally intended my blog to be for.